I Don't Miss It. Not One Bit. (just a little)

I was going through my blog the other day. The early parts. When I was mostly miserable, trapped in a condo with screaming children (i'm not exaggerating). It was a post about our first outing, I think. I was talking about how miserable I was and how it was going to be virtually impossible to ever leave the house, given that Brice was an angry 19-month-old who ran like the wind every time he hit the sidewalk. And Harry was a miserable shreiky 2-month-old who had to be wrestled into a carseat. And then both had to be dragged down a flight of stairs. And then, after the walk, after they had broken me and I was sweaty and sobbing, I had to drag them both back up the stairs. God, I start craving a drink just writing that.

At the end of the post, I made some comment about how I should enjoy it, or at least try to, because I knew I would miss those days. I meant it when I wrote it. But i'm happy to report: I really don't miss it. I think back on those days and I don't miss it.

I think somehow, in the midst of it all, I did manage to enjoy the sweetness. I remember how Harry felt in my arms, how soft his skin was. I remember nursing Brice in the mornings. Seth was still sleeping. Harry hadn't arrived on the scene yet. I would feed Brice and then rest him on my legs and smile at him and he would laugh and grin. Brice would climb into the fridge whenever I opened it and look back at me with that look that said: I'm getting away with something. He thought he was. But he wasn't. I delighted in nearly everything he did.

And yes, life became super stressful shortly after. Brice was recently diagnosed with adhd. But it wasn't a surprise. We knew something was "not quite right." Tantrums that go on for hours. Every day. Anger and aggression. But also extreme intelligence. And sweetness. Soulfulness like you've never seen. This was all beginning to surface right around the time Harry was born. And the condo was falling apart. And Seth was working HOURS at his job. And it was all hard, so hard.

But it was also good. Harry was colicky for 3 months, but after that, you couldn't ask for a sweeter kid. When he smiled, it was like the sun rising. He was so easy to comfort. He smiled with his whole face. He just LOVED. Everyone. I can still feel him in my arms and smell him. He had crazy hair that stood up straight. He was like Kramer. So yes, times were hard. And I felt it all. But it was also sweet. And I felt that, too.

So maybe that's why I can look back and not miss it. I remember how hard it was, and remember the sweetness in the middle of it. I don't miss the pain of that time. But I was present for all the good and I ate up all the sweetness. I "treasured up all these things and pondered them in my heart" like Mary. I didn't miss it while I was in the middle of it, so I don't miss it so much now. I'm enjoying our life as it unfolds. They are becoming more and more who they really are. They are lovely and beautiful, brilliant and funny. They are completely their own people and yet, fully ours. Even when they leave, which they will and they should, nothing will be lost. They will always be ours. All our sweet memories. And all the shining of their potential. Completely their own and always ours.